Loves and Onion Rings

     I love my son. I mean, I love my son. I didn't think it was possible to love anything as much I love myself and Shane. As selfish as that sounds, it's true. We're all friends here. Let's be honest. When Shelton was born, I thought we would have an instant connection as mother and son. I felt like I would look into those little gray blurry eyes and he'd look back into my bloodshot ones and we'd be in perfect sync with one another. I did absolutely adore him the moment he was placed in my arms. I was head over heels in love with him the first time I rocked him in that hospital nursery. But it was hard for me to know if he felt the same way. Our homecoming was not the "dad wheels mom out to the curb where he has already pulled the car up, mom is staring at baby as he squints in the sunlight, they drive home where they put baby in his bassinet for the first time and they begin daily routines as a family" kind of fun you see in movies. Shelton was born with a heart murmur among other minuscule medical issues. The minute we were released from the hospital we had an hour to get to his cardiology appointment at Vanderbilt. We rushed home so I could change out of my adorable homecoming pajamas and were back in the car. I can't even remember if i got him out of the car seat. As it turns out, his heart murmur was nothing to be concerned with and the Tennessee Vols tie wearing cardiologist casually asked, "Would you like to come back in six months or a year?" Phew! Lucky for us, Shelton didn't cry a lot when he was a newborn. He would wake up grunting like a piglet when he was hungry. It's a strange situation when you pour your heart and soul (not to mention give up your sleep and pretty much everything else) into caring for someone else and they can't tell you if they are happy with the job you are doing. Newborns can't smile. They just sleep through the first few weeks of life and let you know when they are not happy with the job you're doing. It makes it difficult to bond, in my opinion. I remember the day I fell in love with Shelton all over again. He was 2 weeks old. We had company and they were passing him around. For a while he was content and sleeping but he eventually began to fuss. He wasn't hungry or wet. Shane and I looked at each other, puzzled. I took him into my arms and sat down with him. He instantly stopped fussing and fell asleep. Shane's step-mom said, "He knows his mommy." Four words that have echoed in my head every day since that moment. She was right. He knew me. Out of three pairs of arms he had been placed in that day, he knew mine were his mommy's. He felt my familiar hands, heard my familiar voice and smelled my familiar scent. At that very moment, I was no longer just his caretaker. I was his mommy. He didn't even have to open his eyes. Our hearts were open.

     Almost everyone reading this knows that I am a hands-on mom. So much so, that I will not usually offer my baby to you, you just have to take him if you want to hold him. I don't get a babysitter unless I feel like it's necessary. Since we are just under two weeks from Shane being home, my logic tells me it's time to get in shape. Shelton did well in the child care room the first day at the gym. They said he fussed a little but overall he had fun. The second day he did not have fun. They informed me that a little girl was upset and it scared him. We took a day off and went back for round three yesterday. After about fifteen minutes, I poked my head in to check on him and he was clearly upset. The poor lady was bouncing him and offering him a pacifier but Shelton Ray was not having it. I am so not one of those moms that can leave him in that state. So I took him into my arms and he instantly stopped crying. Needless to say, I didn't continue my workout. I packed my little mama's boy in the car and stopped for onion rings on the way home. All with the biggest smile on my face. Once we were home he was ready for a nap. We played in the floor for a few minutes while I explained to him that he was my number one priority and working out could wait till tomorrow...or the next day...I was full of onion rings, my logic wasn't great then either. I love to hear him laugh before he goes to sleep so, in a tickle fashion, I kissed him under his dimply chin on his neck. And although I never had before, I said to him, "Give mama loves." Without hesitation, he grabbed my face with his chubby hands and came straight towards me with an open mouth. I felt my heart soak in the love from this huge first kiss. I thought it might explode. I grabbed the camera and took this video. After I posted it on Facebook, my own mama wrote this comment under it..."Wait till he says mama and then I love you...Tiffany...you will fall in love with him so many times..." It was only then that I realized that I have so many more of these moments to look forward to. I get to fall in love with him over and over and over again. Who cares if I didn't instantly feel that bond? Now that bond is so strong, nothing can break it. And it continues to grow. What a beautiful feeling! I had to stop and think...I could have let him cry, finished my workout and drove home without onion rings. Yes, I may have saved myself 320 calories and 16 grams of fat, but I may not have felt that beautiful, slobbery, sweet first kiss.