Distance

It's that time again. Time for the I don't know how you do its, the you are so strongs, the it'll be over before you know its. Not that I don't appreciate any support I receive, it's not that at all. I just wish I could hear more of the I have a shoulder you can cry ons, the I know what you're going throughs (the real ones) or even the simplest I'm praying for yous. Let's face it. Let's just all agree that "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is a load of crap.

 I met Shane seven years and seven months ago. From day one I have been faced with the dreaded DISTANCE. The long distance relationship, the long distance friendships and relationships with my family members, and lastly and certainly most importantly, the long distance marriage and long distance relationship of my husband and son. You think something has torn you to pieces before and then, bam! You watch a man walk out the door for war and leave his three week old son behind. Distance sucks. There have definitely been times when I have thought to myself, "Yeah, it IS making my heart grow fonder!" But it's shortly followed by me curled up in some corner crying and wondering how could my heart possibly grow fonder when it's in pieces. Don't worry, this story has a happy ending.

 I know what some of you are thinking..."How can you be sad when you have that beautiful baby boy to keep you company?!" or is it,  "At least you have a toddler to keep you busy! You won't have time to miss him." I know this because I have heard it time and time again. Maybe reading it here will make you realize how silly it sounds. I am aware that I sound petty and ungrateful but come on. Sometimes ridiculous positivity isn't the best way to say, "Keep your head up!" 

Distance, in general, has changed my life over and over. I've lost friends because it wasn't convenient that I lived in a different state. I've gotten over all of the we are coming to visits and the I wish we could come to visits (It's literally like white noise now. Seven years.)  I stressed about my dream wedding because I wasn't sure until the Saturday before it if my groom was going to have to say Skype vows. I gave up my entire birth plan to ensure that there wouldn't be seven thousand miles in between Shane and I. Luckily, both the wedding and birth of our son were the two most perfect days of my life and Shane and I were no more than a foot away from each other both days.  Long story short, distance is a jerk. I miss my friends that it has taken from me. I miss the relationships that I cannot possibly keep up because of it. I miss my husband no matter how busy my tornado of a toddler keeps me. I even miss my favorite restaurants and can actually taste Biscuitville in Aberdeen, NC if I think about it hard enough.

The silver lining (there it is!) to distance is you realize who is the most important to you when you can't easily be with them. The ones who say they will visit and it actually hurts when they don't, the ones, like my husband and son, who I can't function properly without, the ones who I will load my little tornado up along with his travel system (which contrary to it's name is in no way built to travel anywhere) and fly to North Carolina for, the ones who, since they aren't able, I will pack up and drive to Georgia for so they can meet my son, the ones who love me so much that even when I annoyingly call to say plans have changed, understand. These are the people that I will do anything for. These are the people that I have carefully selected to be in my life and the reason for that is because I am that important to them, too! They know my intentions are good when I forget to send an email to Afghanistan and instead go to bed at 7pm without dinner. They know my intentions are good when life gets away from me and I don't call for weeks. They understand that a long weekend in Georgia isn't nearly enough time to see everyone. They understand that they have an open invitation to my home and require no verbal invitation (Seriously, call me when you get into Nashville so I can make sure we are all wearing pants). They understand me and my crazy life.

In my quest to find the person that made people believe that distancing yourself from something you love with your whole heart is ever a good thing, (necessary sometimes, yes, but not something I would label as good) and punch them in the throat, I want to remember that the world does not revolve around me and my long distance-filled life. That I don't live in the little bubble that I have created in my mind. That deployments are opportunities for me to travel, read books, sleep twelve hours a night, and eat Lean Cuisines. That friendships come and go but only if you let them. That no matter how little time I have or how thinly I have stretched myself...distance is not an excuse. It's an opportunity. An opportunity to cling tight to the ones you love the most and trust that their intentions are as good as yours. And that absence can let you know just how important someone is to you and how important you are to them. That absence shouldn't define your friendship or relationship. It should strengthen it. And that absence makes the heart grow...ah, crap. It does, doesn't it?

 It totally does.

Cheers!



  

   My last blog post was almost exactly one month ago. I don't even know where to begin! It is mind blowing how much can change in a month when you are a parent. I will start with Shelton. He has two teeth, he's not only crawling but he's pulling up and even walking with the assistance of a toy with wheels and he is very active. Ok, that sentence originated from what I really want to say, which is he is teething, he's into everything dangerous and he falls down all the time. Mama is exhausted! The amount of times a day my heart leaps out of my chest and into my throat cannot be healthy. Not to mention the times it sinks down into my stomach. He will pull up onto a wall...and let go. Have I ever mentioned he's exactly like his dad? Fearless. To call him curious would be an understatement. His little eyes squint as he tries to figure everything out. He babbles "Da", "Ba", "Ma" and has recently started babbling a "K" sound. I'm pretty sure one of his first words will be Mickey. He eats cookies and drinks juice. He still gives those sweet kisses only they sometimes turn into little nibbles.

   Shane has been working since the day he got home with some three day weekends thrown in. It has been exactly what they said it would be, a transition. Not a hard one or a smooth one. Somewhere in between. He has had to jump right into a schedule not made for him and right into the chaos that is my emotions and hormones. He's still here so he must be transitioning well. I kid. As I write he is listening to the hum of the baby monitor while I lay in bed and take a few minutes to myself. He is heaven sent. I finally broke down and googled postpartum depression today. When Shane had been home for over a month and my anxiety hadn't subsided much I felt like maybe I was suffering from something bigger than me. While I don't think I have postpartum depression, I do think I am and have been for seven months or more, stressed. I can't count the times in my coddled life that I thought I was stressed. Now I know the true meaning of the word. I tend to be the type that carries everyone else's stress along with them. I have, little by little, began to let go of it. There's only so much one person can carry at a time. Every day I let go a little more and I can see the changes it makes in me. It's making me...me.

Our family has so many things to look forward to this summer. Number one...a kiddie pool. Ok, so it's not number one but it's not far down the list. I have been looking for a good excuse to get one for years. Shane Shane is officially off work for three weeks, Shelton's bottom front teeth have come in and I'm blogging again. Looks like we're all getting a little break from the stresses of life. Shane is the angel on my shoulder that whispers, "It could be a lot worse." Told you he was heaven sent. Here's to letting go of things and holding on tight to others...

Reunion

     There were moments during the deployment when I daydreamed about Shane being there. Almost every time I rocked Shelton in the glider in his nursery I imagined Shane walking through the hallway and peeking in on us. I would often want it so much that my mind would play tricks on me and I would see a shadow in the doorway. When I rocked Shelton to sleep this afternoon and Shane actually did walk through the hallway and into the nursery it brought tears to my eyes. Once when Shelton was two weeks old and required both of my hands to feed him, Shane fed me bites of a burrito. Every single time I heard my stomach growl while I fed Shelton I thought about that moment. As we sat down to dinner last night, which was Shelton's dinner time too, Shane kept my plate full of pizza. I couldn't help but take in every smell, sight and sound of that moment. It was exactly as wonderful the second time as it was the first. Just as I knew it would be. Not because I'm lazy and couldn't get my own pizza, but because he is so thoughtful and makes sure I'm taken care of. Taking good care of Shelton by myself was easy. Taking care of myself as well was not. I'm so thankful that he came home when he did. Shelton is growing like a weed! When he reached the six month mark he jumped to new stages in a day. We raised his exersaucer and jumper and lowered the crib. He started to grab the top rail of the crib so I know pulling up and standing is the next skill he'll master.

SIX MONTHS OLD

     Shane's flight was a late one Wednesday night and was even delayed almost an hour so security was closed for the night. We were able to go up to the third floor and wait for him there. Shelton couldn't hold his eyes open and I kept telling him, "Five more minutes, buddy." Shane let me know he was headed to baggage. After ten minutes of hiding and waiting to surprise him, he called and said he already had his bags and was standing outside...dang. We still can't figure out how he got around us. So we scurried down to baggage and were reunited at last! It wasn't any less exciting. It was so good to finally see him. Poor Shelton at this point was sleepier than I had ever seen him. He got some daddy kisses and fell asleep on the way home. We have been having the best time. Some of you know that, in the last couple of months, Shelton has been skittish around people he doesn't know well. He's at that age. Well, it took him all of five minutes to warm up to Shane. It's like he immediately knew Shane was someone special in his life. As long as Shane is in a room, Shelton's eyes are on him. It's precious. Shelton has slept so good the past few nights. I bet he feels as safe and secure as I do. I absolutely love being a family...being home. Home has never been an easy place to identify. Home was wherever Shane and I were together. After nearly three years, this house feels like home. We are finally here, together, for more than just a few months. And we need to baby proof this home. As I write, Shelton is army crawling all over the living room, headed straight for anything dangerous. Not that there was any question, considering they look exactly the same, but he is Shane, made over. I have a feeling I have another brave one on my hands.



THE GUTHRIE FAMILY 2012



Oh, Happy Day!

     I have, on top of my mommy duties, cleaned every room in my house today. I have washed, dried, folded and put away two loads of laundry, washed the sheets on the bed and cleaned out the car. It's only 3:30pm. We both woke up at 6:30am and usually we'd be heading to bed in about four or so hours but tonight isn't one of our routine nights. Shane thought it would be easier on Shelton and I to arrive at the airport thirty minutes later than his landing time, pull up to the curb and he would "jump in". Is he crazy? How in the world would he expect me to drive and stare at him at the same time? That would be very dangerous. Come on, Shane, use your head. All kidding aside, we are not arriving at the airport even one minute late. A friend informed me that if your spouse is coming home from a deployment you can get a pass to go through security and wait for them at the gate. As far as I know, Shane doesn't know about this pass. So Shelton and I will not be waiting in the car on the curb. We will be there to surprise him as soon as he gets off the plane. I cannot wait!

     It's going to be a wonderful night in the Guthrie house. Both my family and my heart will be complete again. I have to say, I love Facebook during times like these. It's hard to tell everyone who writes a single comment or those of you that encourage me every single day how much it means to me. Thank each and every one of you for taking the time to say such nice things. This will not be the last deployment for us and so many others are still going through the hardship of a deployment. It's not easy but Shane is completely worth it. I wouldn't be half the wife and mother I am without him. Merry Surprise Christmas and Happy Shane Day!

Drumroll...

     It is almost time! The BIG day is Wednesday! Of course, he is making me wait until it's very close to Thursday...ugh. But, I'll take it. I'll take any day this week. Shelton and I have been keeping ourselves busy. I decided yesterday (what was I thinking?) to organize and rearrange the bonus room. What a mess! But Shelton helped out by being a very good scooter and staying on his animal quilt. He is scooting all over the place but I think he is holding out for Daddy. I predict he will crawl perfectly by Thursday morning. Which, if you aren't keeping up with it, is his half birthday! He has changed a lot in this past month. I'm so happy that I get to see it with my own eyes. I can't wait for Shane to be able to see it too. We have Skyped every day this week and we just sit and laugh at all of the funny noises he makes. I cannot wait to see those two together. How did I get so lucky?!

 When Shane deployed last time we were planning the wedding. He came home exactly one week before the wedding, before the rest of his team, in a miracle situation. A soldier coming home from Iraq for his wedding is almost unheard of. Some don't even make it back in time for the births of their babies. Thanks to a good friend of Shane's, he made it. It was just plain hectic. This time I wanted it to be so much more fun. OSC is still a huge secret. Although, after he told me he was coming home late, he asked if it ruined his surprise party. What a goof! He will be shocked that I actually kept a few secrets from him. I get too excited and blurt stuff out or give him gifts early most of the time. His Girl Scout cookies arrived yesterday. It was hard not to tell him about them. It was even harder not to eat them. We made a "Welcome Home Daddy" banner and Shelton finger painted for the first time.

This clock is our family OSC present. We do not have a wall clock in our house so I thought it would be a great addition. My uncle handcrafts unique pieces into clocks and etches designs into glass. He has quite a talent. He etched Shane's Group crest into the glass of this amazing clock. It will be a family piece that we can pass down to Shelton when he's older and has his own family. It is in Georgia and I can't wait to show Shane pictures and for us to get it home. It's been the hardest not to blab about.

I'm looking forward to the fun things we'll do as a family. I still smile from ear to ear when I call us that...a family. Happy Shane week y'all!

Loves and Onion Rings

     I love my son. I mean, I love my son. I didn't think it was possible to love anything as much I love myself and Shane. As selfish as that sounds, it's true. We're all friends here. Let's be honest. When Shelton was born, I thought we would have an instant connection as mother and son. I felt like I would look into those little gray blurry eyes and he'd look back into my bloodshot ones and we'd be in perfect sync with one another. I did absolutely adore him the moment he was placed in my arms. I was head over heels in love with him the first time I rocked him in that hospital nursery. But it was hard for me to know if he felt the same way. Our homecoming was not the "dad wheels mom out to the curb where he has already pulled the car up, mom is staring at baby as he squints in the sunlight, they drive home where they put baby in his bassinet for the first time and they begin daily routines as a family" kind of fun you see in movies. Shelton was born with a heart murmur among other minuscule medical issues. The minute we were released from the hospital we had an hour to get to his cardiology appointment at Vanderbilt. We rushed home so I could change out of my adorable homecoming pajamas and were back in the car. I can't even remember if i got him out of the car seat. As it turns out, his heart murmur was nothing to be concerned with and the Tennessee Vols tie wearing cardiologist casually asked, "Would you like to come back in six months or a year?" Phew! Lucky for us, Shelton didn't cry a lot when he was a newborn. He would wake up grunting like a piglet when he was hungry. It's a strange situation when you pour your heart and soul (not to mention give up your sleep and pretty much everything else) into caring for someone else and they can't tell you if they are happy with the job you are doing. Newborns can't smile. They just sleep through the first few weeks of life and let you know when they are not happy with the job you're doing. It makes it difficult to bond, in my opinion. I remember the day I fell in love with Shelton all over again. He was 2 weeks old. We had company and they were passing him around. For a while he was content and sleeping but he eventually began to fuss. He wasn't hungry or wet. Shane and I looked at each other, puzzled. I took him into my arms and sat down with him. He instantly stopped fussing and fell asleep. Shane's step-mom said, "He knows his mommy." Four words that have echoed in my head every day since that moment. She was right. He knew me. Out of three pairs of arms he had been placed in that day, he knew mine were his mommy's. He felt my familiar hands, heard my familiar voice and smelled my familiar scent. At that very moment, I was no longer just his caretaker. I was his mommy. He didn't even have to open his eyes. Our hearts were open.

     Almost everyone reading this knows that I am a hands-on mom. So much so, that I will not usually offer my baby to you, you just have to take him if you want to hold him. I don't get a babysitter unless I feel like it's necessary. Since we are just under two weeks from Shane being home, my logic tells me it's time to get in shape. Shelton did well in the child care room the first day at the gym. They said he fussed a little but overall he had fun. The second day he did not have fun. They informed me that a little girl was upset and it scared him. We took a day off and went back for round three yesterday. After about fifteen minutes, I poked my head in to check on him and he was clearly upset. The poor lady was bouncing him and offering him a pacifier but Shelton Ray was not having it. I am so not one of those moms that can leave him in that state. So I took him into my arms and he instantly stopped crying. Needless to say, I didn't continue my workout. I packed my little mama's boy in the car and stopped for onion rings on the way home. All with the biggest smile on my face. Once we were home he was ready for a nap. We played in the floor for a few minutes while I explained to him that he was my number one priority and working out could wait till tomorrow...or the next day...I was full of onion rings, my logic wasn't great then either. I love to hear him laugh before he goes to sleep so, in a tickle fashion, I kissed him under his dimply chin on his neck. And although I never had before, I said to him, "Give mama loves." Without hesitation, he grabbed my face with his chubby hands and came straight towards me with an open mouth. I felt my heart soak in the love from this huge first kiss. I thought it might explode. I grabbed the camera and took this video. After I posted it on Facebook, my own mama wrote this comment under it..."Wait till he says mama and then I love you...Tiffany...you will fall in love with him so many times..." It was only then that I realized that I have so many more of these moments to look forward to. I get to fall in love with him over and over and over again. Who cares if I didn't instantly feel that bond? Now that bond is so strong, nothing can break it. And it continues to grow. What a beautiful feeling! I had to stop and think...I could have let him cry, finished my workout and drove home without onion rings. Yes, I may have saved myself 320 calories and 16 grams of fat, but I may not have felt that beautiful, slobbery, sweet first kiss.

Lesson One

     I wanted to give you a little background information on little SRG (those are his initials, not pronounced like a short form of Sergeant and while we're at it, his name is Shelton, not Sheldon) taking swim lessons. I learned how to swim without holding my nose two summers ago. I was literally 25 years of age when I learned how. Thinking back to my childhood, I remember going to the lake, pools, beaches and even a massive puddle in a ditch my brother and I swam in. I even remember one of our babysitters trying to teach me how to swim in her neighborhood pool. So, this is no reflection of my parents' parenting skills. I was exposed to water a lot. I have absolutely no idea why I didn't know how. I have to give credit to Shane for being the one to finally teach me to submerge my head underwater without coming up in a frantic mess of flailing arms and snot rockets. Bless his heart. He has a lot of patience. He has taught me how to swim, run, cook, clean, and shoot a gun, just to name a few. I can already see him using that same sweet patience with Shelton.

      I'm one of those moms that wants for my child. I think most moms are. I want him to swim. I want him to be good at math. I want him to be all of the things I'm not and wish I was. I want him to grow up and have many life skills. Shane and I, as soon as we started talking about starting a family, discussed the things we wanted to teach our son or daughter. Things like how to sew a button and plant a garden. As a family, we want to get outside and play and at the same time, teach and learn. We daydream about Shelton hiking trails with us. I can already see him picking up bugs and Shane teaching him which ones he could eat if he were lost in the woods with no food. I can see him running too far ahead of us and yelling for him to slow down. He's already such a curious boy. So in a couple of weeks we'll start with swimming. Considering he is only five months old, this one will take a little while. But I can't wait to see the look on his face when he swims from me to Shane or from the side of the stairs to...the other side of the stairs. We will be his biggest fans and cheer him on for the rest of his life. Go Shelton!